Sometimes I just get these overwhelming realizations of how absolutely stupid my eating disorder is. Like I have this life filled with so many possibilities and I want to waste it focusing on food and my body size? That is truly the silliest thing when I really break it down and think about it. Like count me out. I am going to travel the world, fall in love, build relationships, continue my education, start a meaningful career, advocate for my passions, make a difference in other people’s lives, and do things that bring me genuine joy.
A restricted diet and thin body will not give me any of that.
This is perfect
You are so much more than your body or the food you eat.
recovery isn’t about fitness recovery isnt about gaining back all the weight in muscle recovery isnt lifting, running, yoga, journalling, pint parties, #strongnotskinny, or a million and one gym selfies recovery isnt about your lowest weight or the amount of time you spend in treatment recovery is about coping recovery is about learning and if you genuinely love how strong you feel when you hit a pr, if yoga brings you close to your body in the least painful way possible, if fear food fridays help you expand you diet and become healthy, babe fucking go for it but if you low weight was still “healthy”, if you like pop tarts for breakfast and real ice cream instead of “nice cream”, if you want to keep eating meat, if you really like doing puzzles all day, if the only way to stay afloat amongst the raging storm of the ed thoughts is to stay in bed and watch netflix, im here for you. if you have a soft tummy and no butt and lots of thigh without a quad in sight, youre fucking gorgeous, and im here for you. if egg white oatmeal and protein pancakes arent your jam, im here for you. im here for the people whose recovery isnt pretty. im here for the people who messy cry over an apple, im here for the people who have pizza and fries for dinner, im here for the people who went above their pre ed weight, im here for the people who feel like they recovered “wrong” because they never went to treatment, because their “team” was a gp and his scale. im here for the people who didnt recover on instagram, im here for the people who didnt come out of their recoveries a warrior, or a soldier, or a fighter. im here for the people who just let themselves be themselves. im here for the people who arent recovering yet, im here for the people who struggle to make that choice, and im here for the people who walk the line between relapse and recovery.
may we raise all of you, may you all find peace, and may social media stop with the fucking bullshit
The hardest part about recovering is that you have to keep on choosing it, even on the bad days
okay do you guys know what the most annoying thing about the tumblr ed recovery community is?? how much people stress their workouts and veganism and other stuff like that. as someone with allergies to fruits/nuts and fresh vegetables, it’s REALLY hard to feel like i’m doing recovery the “right” way which is so dumb? but i still think it? like i don’t feel like those cool “recovery warrior” girls who eat bowls of salads and nut bars and fruit smoothies. and i have to keep reminding myself that that’s okay, that my recovery is still valid if i’m eating pasta and burgers and stuff. i don’t have to eat clean/be vegan in order to recover. i don’t have to look totally toned, i don’t have to keep my collarbones. my round cheeks are a good thing
I have a feeling that a lot of the girls that have shifted to “clean eating” as a form of recovery are just trading one set of disordered behaviors for another. It isn’t healthy to eat healthy all the time. It isn’t healthy to limit yourself to a small amount of food groups and count your macros. Eating pasta and burgers is part of healthy normal eating, while “clean eating” implies that there are still foods that are “bad” to eat. If anything, you’re the one doing recovery the “right” way, in my opinion.
Plus, there’s a whole class element to it too. The majority of people do not have the money and resources to “eat clean.” It worries me that the type of body type promoted by that “community” is just another ideal that involves manipulating the body away from its natural state to fit a standard, instead of accepting the body for what it is. Like fuck #strongnotskinny; a body doesn’t have to be “strong” to be valuable and worthy of love.
I’d suggest unfollowing and distancing yourself from the types of people that promote a form of ED recovery that risks transitioning into orthorexia. I personally find them very triggering and invalidating. There are lots of people out there that are actually trying to develop a normal and well-balanced relationship with food. Maybe you could follow some people who do MinnieMaud, for instance (though I think that’s also a bit problematic since it involves counting calories).
My point is, your recovery is so valid and you’re doing great. Don’t let a clique of wealthy girls on the internet make you feel like you’re not doing the right thing.
I’ll be straight up honest about this– the pictures I see people post of their vegan meals and fucking fruit bowls do not look balanced or healthy to me. The whole “clean eating” thing is, in my opinion, a means to cling to controlled approach to food, and to continue to be actively obsessed with what you put into your body. To me, that isn’t recovery. You can be in your weight range and eating all of your required exchanges, but if you won’t let yourself eat pizza and pasta and fries and donuts and all those fear foods, you are not recovering. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a big bowl of salad or some veggies and hummus, but if that’s all you’re eating, you are in denial.
Awhile back I made a post about how I think veganism is not conducive to recovery. I love animals and hate the meat and dairy industries as much as anyone, but I know myself, and I know that cutting out all animal products and only eating “clean” would very, very quickly become a form of restriction. Yes, to each their own, but also, you gotta be honest with yourself and your real reasoning behind those food choices.
- Losing more weight will not make you love yourself more
- Losing weight will not make the people around you love you any more than what they already do
- Eating normally again will truly make you feel better physically and mentally
- Weight loss does not cure a negative body image. And long as you continue to have a negative view of yourself, you will never like how you look, no matter how much weight you lose.
You will not be the happy, skinny girl on the beach having a great time with your perfect skin and long flowing hair.
You will not be the girl with abs and nicely toned legs.
You won’t be the girl happily wearing anything you want.
You will not be the girl with a perfect, nice looking body.
This may be hard to read but let me tell you what you will really be:
You’ll be the miserable girl sitting alone in her room thinking about killing herself with your sickly looking skin, thinning nails, and hair that is literally falling out.
Your nails with bend and break at the slightest touch. They look so pale. There isn’t much pink left.
Your body has started growing more hair desperately trying to keep you warm as the hair leaves your head.
You’ll binge and look 6 months pregnant only to spiral into a furter depression, not even wanting to leave the house. Starving/vomiting more. Continuing the cycle.
You’ll wear baggy clothing. You hate the way you look in everything.
You’ll never see yourself as skinny enough. You’ll always be too fat in your own eyes. It will never be enough.
You’ll exercise until you pass out.
You’ll vomit until your teeth rot out and your voice becomes deep, raspy.
You’ll starve until it hurts to move. Every step is exhausting.
You’ll push your family away.
You’ll push your friends away.
You’ll ruin your life.
You won’t feel confident any day of your life.
It will never end.
You’ll keep going and going.
Until you can barely walk.
Until the ambulance is called.
Until something ruptures.
Until they can’t get your blood pressure back up and your heart gives out.
Until your body can’t take it anymore.
Until you die.
The pictures are a lie.
The happiness they try to convince you of is a lie.
Eating disorders will make you into a monster you won’t even be able to recognize.
Tell someone you trust.
Get help.
Reach out to anyone who will listen.
Please, don’t let yourself fall into this trap of false promises.
You deserve to be healthy.
